Hi, my name’s Inanimate Carbon Rod, and I’m running to be your next President of your National Union of Students. I believe in an NUS that knocks through walls in the movement, rather than builds them. An NUS that fights for the rights of all inanimate members of society, not just meatbags. An NUS that truly understands the importance of building the Workers’ Bomb.
In my role as Worker of the Week, February 1994 at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, I am proud of what I have achieved in demonstrating the outstanding abilities of inanimate rods in the movement. From wearing medals to jamming shut space shuttle doors, I’ve been able to show that we can be so much more than a directionless movement. I believe that we have truly set the start of a breaking down of boundaries between inanimate carbon rods, and real people, and if you elect me this spring, I believe we can take that even further.
As President, I will represent all students, regardless of politics, and without sarcasm or aggression or inaccessible language and behaviour, because; as an inanimate rod, I am incapable of having or displaying emotions.
Place your trust in Rod, and I believe, together, we can build a student movement, and a workers bomb to define a generation.