Conference, I have withdrawn

Today the Rod made its Presidential Speech at moments before the votes were cast at NUS National Conference.

Unfortunately, the speech had been times to 7 minutes and when it was discovered (on stage) that the time was in fact limited to 5 minutes, Sam decided to wing it and failed.

The full intended transcript is as follows:

Part one

Conference, I am appalled.

The Rod is proud of our movement, and proud of what we have achieved.

Now more than ever, we need to value the people who run our movement, and look to the

We need to be clear about where we come from and where we’re going.

We need to be future and clear about going to where and from.

Now movement and ever before are we proud achievements together being together.

There are those who will say clear future value people but let’s be clear: future.

Not just the next five years, but the next four thousand years – together with the Rod in positive serious fightback for serious together clear where we are going.

Now more than ever, in the streets comrades, in the streets, we must fight for in the streets because now more than ever we need a movement clear future streets, that in the streets now more proud achievement going.

The Rod will do the things that need doing for the people who need things to be done for them that the Rod can do.

To build the revolutionary army of students and workers we need to divert our excellent training efforts to the production of death cyborgs.

There are over 9 million students in the UK. That’s over 9 million Terminators­-in-­potentia.

The NUS needs to be going forwards not backwards. Upwards, not forwards. And always twirling. Twirling, twirling towards… improving the student experience through sharing best practice.

Part two

But conference, that’s only what the Rod will do.

Part three

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not spend its time fighting for nothing but buzzwords.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not make repetitive, generic policy.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not make repetitive, generic policy.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not say good words to cover for reality.

It will not composite you.

The Rod will not sell out.

It will not “keep the cap”.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not ignore policies that you pass because it doesn’t like them.

It will not fold away your political agency into neat boxes marked ‘after the election’ and then wait for the election and do nothing anyway.

It will not demand that you get with its programme of doing nothing and then censure you if you don’t.

The rod is not angry, it is irate.

The rod does not pretend to be answerable to you. It thinks this is an insult.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod does not think that Kennington is a seat of power.

The Rod will not lead you to Zone Two in the rain to tell you what it doesn’t really think.

It is not access access access to cover its tracks,

It does not “need a lecturer’s strike like a hole in its head”.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not lose a vote and then do it anyway.

It will not write a corporate strategy document and ram it down your throat without a mandate.

The rod will not “surf the wave” of talent, or tell you to sit down and shut up while it writes neatly composed nonsense into laminated folders for the next choreographed festival of


The rod. has. no. lanyard.

The rod will not use a sabbatical year like a year in industry ­ like some kind of elected try-­out for its next big management consultancy gig.

The rod is not “employable”.

It is not neat. It does not come in a package. It comes in a box.

It will not look good on a CV. It will really not look good on my CV.

It will not wait for a “brighter tomorrow” sponsored by Endsleigh and 3 Mobile and paid in six figures.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not give you a discount on Spotify instead of a movement.

It will not get back its box.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod will not spend years telling you not to say anything too scary in case a New Labour minister refuses to put it onto a panel whose purpose is to carve up and smash up everything you hold dear. And then not get onto the panel anyway.

The Rod will not tell you that this is fine.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod does not want a hundred thousand pounds a year for its services.

The Rod does not think that the student movement is a service provided by service providers. To consumers. That buy things. As if fighting for the future of our society was a product that could be marketed.

It does not think that progress consists of “Being the Change”, “Riding the wave”, or “Educate. Employ. Empower”.

It is not a “relevant stakeholder”.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod does not think you are despicable.

It will not stand back when you are kettled through the night on Whitehall waiting for some uniformed thug to let you go to join its next lobby of parliamentarians so that they can sign your pledge, take your vote, and vote for fees anyway.

The Rod does not “do” glowstick vigils. It wants revenge.

It will not abandon the biggest wave of occupations in British history in order to pursue an exciting career in consultancy.

The Rod does not care more about broken windows than broken skulls.

It will not refuse when asked to give just a thousand pounds to the victims of police violence who cannot afford their legal costs in order to make a point that it does not have to.

The Inanimate Carbon Rod is not a joke candidate. It is a serious candidate for what has become a joke position.

It’s not a joke. It is serious. It is a product of a decade of stupidity, incompetence, irrelevance and personal opportunism.

It will never be offered a safe Labour seat. And it will never be NUS President.

Conference, I ran in this election to make a point, and I think I’ve made it. So I withdraw from this election. Because there are good people in NUS, and there are people who are

capable of making a student movement happen: students.

But for as long as NUS fails to fight, the Rod will be there. It won’t be “watching you”, because it’s an Inanimate fucking Carbon Rod. But they will be.

In Rod We Trust. See you next year.


The custom drawings – they do nothing!

The Rod’s beautifully rod-drawn manifesto was still rejected by the NUS on the grounds of copyright. They cited the following legal advice:

Redrawings may well reduce the risk of copyright infringement but do not necessarily remove the issue.  The redrawings may be seen as modifications of the original copyright works.  For copyright there is no exception to infringement for parody or pastiche.
The lawyers are much more concerned about the issue of trade marks.  From an initial search (very brief) there are plenty of Simpsons trade marks and we would expect that all the characters themselves are trade marks.  Therefore irrespective of copyright any recognisable use of images including the characters – even if redrawn – is likely to be trade mark infringement.  As with copyright there are no exceptions for parody/pastiche.

In any case, we knocked something together and this afternoon it was accepted. We are defiant to present: the best Inanimate Carbon Rod manifesto the NUS will actually print.


Thanks to my prudent editing, the Rod’s manifesto is now rated copyright-free

At ICRHQ, we were informed yesterday that, although the Rod would be allowed onto the ballot paper, the manifesto could not be published due to potential allegations of copyright infringement through use of images of Simpsons characters.

After some help from our loving fans on Twitter, we set the Rod to work, using an oscilloscope and pen set-up to produce some beautiful rod-crafted artwork.

And so, we proudly present our post-censorship manifesto.


Inanimate Rod remains unmoved

We have now been updated on our lack of inclusion in the official ballot. The Chief Returning Officer is requesting proof of student status for every nomination we received that was not provided postally.

Did all the other candidates have to supply this? Almost certainly not. Apparently the other candidates were seconded by either Sabbatical Officers or other people of note to the NUS. Being in with the crowd gives you a huge advantage in these elections and this exclusion of the membership is a partial cause of the perpetually ineffective leadership.

Nevertheless, we shall continue to go forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling toward freedom.


Conference, I will appeal

The NUS have calculated that the 13 nominations the Rod received is in fact less than the 10 nominations required for candidacy.

The Rod’s aides will take this as far as it needs to go. The Rod itself will, of course, remain inanimate throughout the process.

Thank you all for your support so far.

Model Motion of Support

Below is a model motion that you can present to your Student Union’s policy making body (General Meetings, Student Councils, etc.), to encourage your union’s delegates to national conference to back the campaign.

If you present the motion, and especially if it passes, let us know by dropping us a tweet @CarbonRod4NUS, or post a note on facebook.

Delete and rename parts as appropriate to the workings of your particular union.

Model Motion To Support Inanimate Carbon Rod for NUS President 2013

This Meeting Notes / Believes

  1. That an Inanimate Carbon Rod is standing for the position of NUS UK National President at the upcoming NUS National Conference in April 2013.
  2. That over 900 people have “liked” the campaign page for the Inanimate Carbon Rod on facebook – several times more than any other candidate.

This Meeting Believes / Further Believes

  1. That regular students are disenfranchised and alienated from NUS.
  2. That Inanimate Carbon Rod’s campaign reaches out to these students, and best represents them.
  3. That therefore, Inanimate Carbon Rod is the most positive candidate for the position of NUS National President.
  4. That our Delegates to National Conference should vote for Inanimate Carbon Rod.

This Meeting Resolves

  1. That this Union’s Delegation to NUS National Conference 2013 should support, and vote for, Inanimate Carbon Rod in the election for National President.

Inanimate Carbon Rod In The Running

It’s been an amazing two weeks since we started the campaign, where over 900 of you have showed your support for my candidacy to be YOUR next National President. And today I can confirm that you WILL be able to vote for me at national conference this April, after we handed in  my nominations and manifesto today.

But these two weeks haven’t been without hurdles – and every challenge along the way, with courage I have faced. I have battled every day to claim my rightful place as a candidate, despite NUS disgracefully rejecting the concept of personhood of inanimate objects. With NUS unwilling to let me stand alone, despite my clear and powerful record, we decided that, to ensure all 900 could have your voice heard, to enter my candidacy via an official bearer: Sam Gaus. And it may be his name on the ballot, but know this friends, it is Rod that you are voting for.

For now, go back to your campuses and prepare for Rod; and come Conference, we can win, and we can be APPALLED.

You can view my print manifesto here: .pdf Manifesto

Put Your Trust In Rod

FUEL_ROD[1]Hi, my name’s Inanimate Carbon Rod, and I’m running to be your next President of your National Union of Students. I believe in an NUS that knocks through walls in the movement, rather than builds them. An NUS that fights for the rights of all inanimate members of society, not just meatbags. An NUS that truly understands the importance of building the Workers’ Bomb.

In my role as Worker of the Week, February 1994 at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, I am proud of what I have achieved in demonstrating the outstanding abilities of inanimate rods in the movement. From wearing medals to jamming shut space shuttle doors, I’ve been able to show that we can be so much more than a directionless movement. I believe that we have truly set the start of a breaking down of boundaries between inanimate carbon rods, and real people, and if you elect me this spring, I believe we can take that even further.

As President, I will represent all students, regardless of politics, and without sarcasm or aggression or inaccessible language and behaviour, because; as an inanimate rod, I am incapable of having or displaying emotions.

Place your trust in Rod, and I believe, together, we can build a student movement, and a workers bomb to define a generation.

Building the Students’-Workers’ Bomb


We need to be in it to win, and to win, we need to build the Bomb, in solidarity with workers and trade unionists. For too long, we’ve neglected to bomb the parasitic classes that are destroying our society and our Student Unions. We face the prospect of students not being able to express solidarity with workers, simple because there won’t be any workers left, so long as the ruling classes stay in power. We need to be working with activists and staff in Student Unions across the UK, turning their Unions into factories to assemble pieces of the Students’-Workers’ Bomb.

Only through dynamic and efficient construction of this bomb can we return control of Student Unions to their students, and workplaces to their workers. So let’s work together to get the job done. It won’t be easy, but I believe by working together under my leadership, NUS can achieve this vital task.